I don't know how it is for other people but every once in a while someone will say something or I will read something and I have one of those "ah-ha!" moments. Suddenly the pieces of a puzzle fall into place in my brain. Usually it has to do with a thought that helps me make sense of my experiences. And it actually seems to happen more frequently the older I get. Maybe with time I have more experiences to make sense of...or maybe I'm just a slow learner and am finally catching up.
Last year in our Bible study we were using a book called Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands. It is a great book and I learned a lot from the sessions but it wasn't until the very last meeting of the year when I had one of those life-changing moments and thought, "I wish I had learned this 30 or 40 years ago!"
The author used a very simple illustration: two concentric circles. The inner circle is labeled "Responsibilities" and the outer circle "Concerns". Responsibilities are those things that God gives me to do and which no one else can or should do. Concerns are things that matter to me but which are someone else's responsibility - I have no control over them and God doesn't intend me to. The author went on to explain how much grief we experience in life if we confuse those two circles. If you'd been sitting next to me right then you probably could have heard the pieces falling into place in my brain. I think I've spent a good deal of my life confusing those two circles and I know the grief that comes from that.
One sort of person tries to make their responsibility circle very small. They would like to make other people responsible for the things God expects of them, especially the unpleasant things that they don't like to do. They are eager to get someone else to take their responsibilities on for them or they are quick to put the blame on someone else for things that are actually their own doing or choosing.
The other sort of person makes their responsibility circle huge. They constantly feel responsible for every concern and try to make people do what they know is right. They tend toward anxiety or manipulation because they feel responsible for things over which they actually have no control and which God never intended them to do.
I think it is especially easy for mothers to get confused on these things. When your children are small you really ARE responsible for them and for "making" (teaching, training) them do the things they should do and learn. That is a responsibility God gives to mothers. Of course dads have a lot of responsibility, too, but a lot of the practical things fall in Mom's lap to teach. Gradually, however, children become accountable for their own decisions and no one ever really teaches moms when and how to make that transition. Or we may let go on the outside but on the inside our anxiety meter tells a different story - we still feel responsible and are always trying to solve our kids' problems and help them.
If you haven't been able to tell from the previous paragraphs, I definitely fall in the latter category. It's been a very liberating experience to begin to change my thought patterns. When anxiety over one of my dear ones begins to register I remind myself that my concern makes it legitimate and necessary for me to PRAY about the situation and for the person but I do NOT need to jump in. To do so violates a fundamental truth which lies in God Himself. God in His sovereign majesty has determined who is responsible for what and made that clear to us in His Word. HE is fully capable of accomplishing His will without my "help" and I need to trustingly accept those boundaries. He gives me multitudinous opportunities to love and serve those around me without my taking on their responsibilities.
What about when those we love are in deep difficulties? The temptation to "put my oar in" and try to help out is enormous. Of course the Spirit often leads us to help. But not every need means God wants me to jump in. One of my all-time favorite verses is Deuteronomy 8:3 "He humbled you and let you be hungry, and fed you with manna which you did not know, nor did your fathers know, that He might make you understand that man does not live by bread alone, but man lives by everything that proceeds out of the mouth of the LORD." Sometimes God lets us be hungry - experience need - because He is in the process of humbling us and teaching us to rely on His manna - His special grace that only comes when we've exhausted our own resources and turn to Him in our need. I don't want someone to settle for my help when God is waiting with His unlimited resources, if only they will come to Him.
There is no formulaic rule to tell me when God wants me to do something or not. I discover that only as I wait on Him in every and all situations and I only hear Him if I have learned to listen to Him daily. Now when I become aware of needs I always ask myself, "Is this my responsibility or is it a concern? Does God want to use me or does He want to provide manna in another way?" His infinite wisdom knows best and I do well to heed His voice. "In the wilderness He fed you manna which your fathers did not know, that He might humble you and that He might test you, to do good for you in the end." Deut. 8:16
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